Hello beautiful beings and welcome to my very first blog post...
As a gentle warning, as the title tells, I'm talking about anxiety. It's real, it's raw and it's unfiltered. So if you're not ready to read this now, that's ok, you can come back when you are.
I posted this a couple of weeks ago on instragram and Facebook and got an overwhelming amount of reactions and responses. I sat and read every single one and replied with tears in my eyes and love in my heart for the raw and honest stories shared back to me. If this can help anyone to reach out for help or to not feel so isolated then I am glad I opened up and shared this story.
Today has not been a great day.
It started off nicely - the girls even did some yoga with me, we played duck, duck, goose, danced to Tay Tay...but then the wheels slowly started falling off.
The girls were climbing the walls at home so we went to the park. At the park all they wanted to do was eat food I didn’t have and hang off me and not play at all.
We were meant to do a food shop but that got canned as I knew I’d lose it (I have learnt some things over the last 2 years)...
And so in light of this being Post Natal Depression and Anxiety Awareness Week, I wanted to go balls to the wall and show you another side of me.
The side that was totally blindsided by crippling post natal anxiety after the birth of our second daughter.
The side of me that couldn’t drive more than 5 mins from home without feeling totally out of control.
The side of me that had to get off Instagram for a whole year because I couldn’t stop comparing myself.
The side of me that would and (at times) still does feel guilty for feeling down about being with my girls all day, as this is what I always I wanted, wasn’t it? To be a Mum!
I should be happy.
I should enjoy every precious, chaotic moment because they grow so fast and one day I’ll miss all this mayhem.
I should be so grateful.
I am so lucky, what in the hell have I got to worry about?
The side of me that was nourishing one, sometimes, two little humans bodies from my own severely depleted one.
The side of me that was so rigid and controlling I couldn’t bear to take a moment of ‘me-time’ and leave my girls with anyone else, not even my husband.
The side of me that experiences extreme guilt over having two babies so close together and the heartbreaking grief over the moments of Macy’s little life I couldn’t enjoy or can’t even remember because I couldn’t focus purely on her.
The side of me that can count on one hand the number of full, uninterrupted nights sleep I’ve had in the past 3.5 years.
The side of me that never wanted to burden anyone with any of this until it got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I couldn’t heal myself by myself.
I needed help!
And I pulled that help into play today - thankfully Phil was able to move some things around and come home early to take over.
While I waited for him to come home, I pretty much gave the girls whatever they wanted in order for me to keep cool.
It still didn’t work and my voice is hoarse from screaming into a pillow.
But after that I was able to chill a bit at least, have some leftovers for lunch and baked some cookies I had backed up in the freezer.
He got home and we all had some cookies then I bailed...I went out and sat in a cafe and wrote.
I did the grocery shopping solo - such a treat!
I must admit that I was a little relieved to find that Phil found them very difficult this arvo too. They are just being painful today!
I don’t write this to alienate anyone, it’s not to overshare or to use social media to validate myself through likes. I could care less about how many likes this gets.
It’s about sharing stories, sharing experiences, bringing us together rather than driving us apart or sitting in silence thinking we’re the only horrible people in the world for feeling this way, when the facts are that 1 in 5 women - 1 in 5! And 1 in 10 men - we cannot forgot the dudes!! - that feel similar feelings of isolation, overwhelm and anxiety, that can easily spiral into the comparison mindf*ck. Comparing our shit day to someone’s great day or the great day they are leading us to believe they are having. Instagram isn’t always real! It’s a snapshot, a highlights reel of someone’s life.
Before I got off Instagram I used to post photos of the girls and I smiling or of the girls being cute - and it was almost always on the days I was struggling the most.
Back then I would post for validation - validation that I was a good housewife, a great mum with perfect kids, living a lovely life.
But I want you to know you’re not alone. I want to be here for you when you’re having a shit day! And to celebrate your good days too!
Our Calm Place is as much for me as it is for you.
If I can help one person to not feel to way I did, then that would be incredible.
I want to break down these walls, I want to bring us together!
If you’ve made it to the end of all of this, then thank you! Big hugs and love to you 💕💕